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My Son Eats Deadly Weapons for Dinner

my finger is still recovering from the battle

my finger is still recovering from the battle

Awhile back we established the fact that my 14 year-old son is a complete and utter slob. We have also established the fact that he is an extremely picky eater due to texture issues associated with autism.

But until this weekend I never realized that his food would one day rise up and attempt to kill me.

Jayden has the worst diet I’ve ever seen. This is the complete list of things he will eat:

  • Pop Tarts
  • Strawberry oatmeal
  • Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (but only in his school lunch)
  • Spaghetti (but only if my mom makes it, despite the fact that I make it the exact. same. way.)
  • Macaroni and cheese
  • Chicken strips
  • Hot dogs
  • Popcorn shrimp
  • Cheeseburgers with nothing but cheese, burger, ketchup, and bun (and not from McDonald’s ever since he watched Supersize Me)
  • Doritos
  • Cheese Pringles
  • Mashed potatoes, corn, and peas (this is considered a complete meal and all 3 items must be present)
  • Hamburger Helper with the enormous shells
  • Occasional miniscule portions of things I cook if they contain the items listed above

And then there are the noodles. The stupid, disgusting noodles that he eats at least once every single day, the ones he has referred to as “weird-shaped noodles” since he was 4 or 5 years old. The noodles that I now consider armed and dangerous. You’ve probably seen them before – you might have even eaten them yourself. I’m just here to warn you before it’s too late.

evil in a convenient pouch

Every day without fail, Jayden makes these harbingers of doom in the microwave. They smell horrible, offer zero nutritional value, and I won’t even get started on how they taste. Each pouch of noodles requires 4 slices of cheese to mask the foul flavor enhance the taste enough for him to eat them.

Anyway, onto the tale of the noodles’ homicidal tendencies.

On Saturday, Jayden tried to sneak two 8×8 dishes out of his room without me noticing. (I’ve tried to explain to him that my MomVision™ makes such endeavors impossible, but he either doesn’t believe me or doesn’t care.) Evidently the near-flogging he received when he had a MOUSE in his room awhile back wasn’t enough to make him clean up his messes in a timely manner.

I had two dishes, both of which were caked with dried cheese, and one of which had a clump of “weird-shaped noodles” in the bottom. Not a huge deal, right? I ordered Jayden (very sternly, mind you) to scrape the noodles into the garbage can so we could work on getting the dishes clean.

After a few minutes, it became obvious that the noodles weren’t going anywhere. They had been in his room long enough to turn into a blob of cement – cheesy, nasty cement. So I did what any logical person would do; I got out a large serving spoon and proceeded to stab at the noodles until they broke loose from the dish.

Somewhere in the process of stabbing at the dried noodles, they decided to fight back. A chunk of pasta cement ricocheted off the bottom of the dish, cutting my finger as you can see in the picture above. My finger started bleeding – not a little bit either. I’m talking a BUNCH of blood that required gauze and two bandaids.

Who the hell cuts her finger open with NOODLES? This girl, apparently.

So I’m standing in front of the garbage can with a bloody finger and a dish full of dried noodles. The dogs are running around all excited because they think I might drop some on the floor. Jayden is standing there wondering if I’m going to strangle him. And then, because I didn’t know what else to do, I busted out laughing.

I did eventually get the noodles out of the dish, but not before I cut myself three more times. Later, it occurred to me that I could have soaked the dish in hot water and loosened up the cement long enough to get the noodles out. But OF COURSE I didn’t think of that until it was much too late. I look like I was attacked by a ream of paper or something.

Jayden later sent me this:


I still don’t trust those stupid noodles. But I guess at least I got them before they succeeded in killing me. Consider this your Monday Public Service Announcement – Noodles, much like teenage boys, are not to be trusted.

About Andrea Whitmer

Andrea is a freelance web developer and mom trying to maintain a sense of humor in an otherwise chaotic world. She blogs in hopes of helping others avoid the same mistakes she made in the past. Join in the discussion here on So Over This, or connect on Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, or Google Plus. You can also subscribe to new posts via RSS so you never miss out!


  1. Hahaha. Only you, I’ll agree. Though I’ve stabbed the roof of my mouth with frosted flakes. Talk about long, lasting pain! Hope that will… coax him into cleaning up his own mess in the future, though.

    • I remember having a horrible time eating chips after I had my wisdom teeth cut out – it took more than a year before I could eat them without stabbing the gaping holes in the back of my mouth. Probably a similar type of pain and, if so, I sympathize!

  2. Oh dear, oh dear. At least you got a funny meme out of it?
    My housemates and I used to eat those a bit in university. They’re much more tolerable if they’re mixed 50/50 with the frozen veggies made of the little square carrot chunks, peas and corn. It kind of spreads out the weekly dosage of sodium.

    • I really like the chicken-flavored ones, but the cheddar broccoli ones make me want to throw up. Probably from smelling them every day for 10 years! I think adding the veggies is a really good idea, though – I need to start doing that! Jayden won’t, of course, because carrots aren’t on the approved list. :/

      • Maybe you could mix in frozen peas instead? Something he’ll actually eat?
        Good luck hon… When I did daycare, I had one who would only eat ham patties (from a can) – the noodles’ evil cousin, pb and fluff sandwiches (ew), chocolate milk and chicken from a local take-out place, Phil’s Chicken House. Oh, and reeses cups. I’m amazed the kid survived on that diet for probably 5 years. Now he’s in his 20s and will eat anything that’s not nailed down. Go figure.

  3. is this what I have to look forward to when my little ones grow up? 🙂

  4. Looks like my diet until a couple years ago. For me it was the Kraft Mac n cheese deluxe, with the package of creamy cheese inside… Mmmmmm data whole box myself. And yes the noodles that survived can be dangerous, must drown for 2 days first.

  5. What texture(s) doesn’t he like?

    • It’s more a combo of texture, flavor, and color, but he basically avoids anything that isn’t chewy unless it’s Doritos or Pringles. For some reason those pass the inspection – probably because his love of carbs and cheese overshadows all else. I took him to a feeding clinic when he was young and we spent years trying to expand his food horizons, but I decided it was one of the (many) battles I just didn’t want to fight. He does take a gummy multivitamin every day so I know he won’t die from his limited diet; it just seems like it sometimes.

  6. My brother (30 years old) is autistic, and he eats white bread, cereal (about 3 types), pizza (only a couple of types), pork chops, mac cheese…..and almost nothing else. So I sympathize.

  7. OMG. Hahahahaha. As I read through I felt more and more like laughing, which I felt guilty about, until I read that you started laughing. Really, all you can do is laugh and shake your head. I hope your hand heals up quickly!

  8. At least you didn’t need stiches due to the noodles. That would have been hard to explain.

  9. Only you, Andrea…
    My most embarrassing kitchen injury was tomato soup… well, actually the can. I tried washing one of those cans with the pull-top, you know, to be all responsible and recycle… And sliced my finger on the edge that’s left after you pull the top. To. The. Bone.

    I don’t recycle cans anymore…

    Good luck with the clean-up thing. Believe me, he is not the only teen who acts exactly like that. I have two, and neither of them are capable of carrying a plate downstairs. They both go UP the stairs just fine… but once the plates disappear into their rooms, they’re lost forever. :-p Or at least until Mom goes on a rampage and refuses to allow them to do ANYTHING until the plates are returned. I have to unplug the INTERNET.

    What can I say… we’re moms. We do what we have to.
    (hugs) You’re doing great. Just hang in there.

  10. Hahaha…I have to admit that the entire time I was reading this, my thought was, “why didn’t she just soak the dishes first?”. At least you guys got a good laugh out of it and hopefully this will be the thing he needs to remember to keep his room clean!

  11. Can’t believe you don’t enjoy the 88-cent Pasta Sides from Knorr. I used to make those in college at least once a week!

  12. Next on “When Household Items Attack!”:
    When I was managing the apartment building I had to replace a couple of bulbs in the hallway. The compact fluorescents were bought in those giant blister packs that are fiercely resistant to scissors. After I managed to cut it partly open, I pried apart the two sides and pulled out a bulb — and the plastic SOB zinged back and gashed my hand. It bled copiously and I had a scar for a couple of years.
    Environmentally friendly, maybe, but certainly anti-human.

  13. Oh We have those in our house.. I will be sure to steer clear and be careful. They do stink! Ugh!

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