From the BlogSubscribe Now

What Speed Are Your Lady Bits? (And Other Search Oddities)

file0001803122103

People get here through weird searches all the time. Usually, I can figure out how the searches relate to one of my posts, even if the query itself doesn’t make a lot of sense. But sometimes? I can’t figure out what in the world the searcher could have been thinking, much less why his/her search would have led them here.

Case in Point: Gynecological Wonders of the World

Now I know I’ve written about all kinds of topics, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never discussed my nether regions (or anyone else’s). I’m thankful that, so far in my life, my lady bits have had nothing whatsoever to do with my finances. Yet someone clicked through last week after googling “why is my vagina so slow?”

Okay. I have a lot of questions about this search.

Do vaginas have variable speeds? If so, my parents took the cheapskate route because I just got the base model with one speed. BORING!

How does one determine how fast or slow a vagina is? Is this judged by how long it takes to give birth? How long it takes to achieve sexual satisfaction? Or is there some other variable I’m not thinking of?

Are there ways to speed up a slow vagina? Can you change out the batteries or something? Are there licensed repairmen to take care of these issues? How much is the maintenance package?

How do women cope with the knowledge that they have a slow vagina? Are there support groups?

Was the person disappointed when they arrived here and found nothing related to vagina speeds? (If so, this post is for you, little lady.)

It Doesn’t Stop There

I wish I could say that was the only weird search term I’d ever seen, but I’d be lying. It’s definitely in the top 10 for WTF value, but there are plenty of other crazy searches that bring people here.

am i making a mistake taking social work - I guess it depends on where you’re taking it. Social work doesn’t make the best dinner date. Now if you’re talking about majoring in social work, I’ll just tell you that I think it’s a mistake, from my experience. After seven jobs with five different companies, I’ve learned that many people who work in the social services/mental health field are batshit crazy. Including every supervisor I’ve ever had. And you don’t make enough money to make your student loan payments. If you want details about this, email me and I’ll be glad to expound on the evils of social work – not the profession itself, but the available jobs.

andrea sweatpants sizing - I’m a fan of sweatpants. I wear a medium. I really need to get a PO box so people can send me things like this, since they’re obviously so interested in what I’m wearing.

consequences of keeping wrongly delivered fedex package - I KNEW IT! The jerk who stole my Nielsen scanner, leading the Nielsen people to harass me and call me a liar, is taunting me by leaving subtle clues in my site stats. I WILL FIND YOU, AND YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

don’t understand why someone would stay single - Oh, so you’re one of those girls or guys who can’t be alone? A person who stays in bad relationships just so you have someone there to use the last of the toothpaste? Yeah, have fun with that.

grandma laughs and tidbits - Um, what? I know I was a teenage mom and I’m from Kentucky, but somehow I’ve made it to the age of 28 without becoming a grandma. *knocks on wood* Good thing Jay is a nerd.

how much would my paycheck be if i made 42 an hour - If your job is anything like mine, probably not enough to buy groceries. Good luck with that.

olive garden worker spoon in butt - Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I don’t even have a response. Pretty sure I have never blogged about that topic.

why can’t i meet a douchebag - OMG! Finally, one I can help with! Here you go! You’re welcome.

What Does it all Mean?

First of all, people are strange. And they search for strange things on the internet.

Second, while I’m a huge fan of Google, it doesn’t always know what to do with weird search strings. Apparently all crazy random searches get sent here. And while that’s okay, because I love new minions readers, I’d rather get people who are actually looking for something I’ve got. I won’t bore you with a bunch of blog jargon, but basically I need to take additional steps to help Google understand what my posts are about.

Third, I still really want some answers to my questions about slow vaginas. But I’m scared to search because the results will probably be porn.

About Andrea Whitmer

Andrea is a freelance web designer and single mom trying to maintain a sense of humor in an otherwise chaotic world. She blogs in hopes of helping others avoid the same mistakes she made in the past. Join in the discussion here on So Over This, or connect on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, or Google Plus. You can also subscribe to new posts via RSS so you never miss out!

Comments

  1. As far as I'm concerned, your post was ONLY about vaginas, LOL

    Here are what I hope are satisfying answers :-)

    1. Your parents did NOT take the cheapskate route! I have yet to meet one with more than one speed. Extensive research on my part has revealed that variable speed vaginas were a limited edition, and were  phased out due to a tendency to go from 0 to 100 too quickly and thus wrecking the "engine".
    2. A slow vagina is one that takes a while to… ahem… warm up!
    3. There's no way to speed up a slow vagina, although you can improve fuel efficiency by going electric.
    4. There must be repairmen out there, but good luck finding one that's bonded, licensed and insured!
    5. And finally, there are no support groups. Yours truly is the ONLY authority on slow vaginas!!!

  2. LOL. I think the vagina comment made me laugh out loud. 

  3. Oh my. *blushes and leaves the room*
    (I must admit, all of those made me laugh!)

  4. 444express says:

    As for the gynecological pondering point, here is my theory about what it means:

    It's when you rush down the street to catch a bus or something, and part of you takes longer to catch up, and you hold the bus while yelling impatiently, "Come ON!  What's WRONG with you?"

  5. Interesting how all the comments are on the vagina part :) Stay tuned as you start to rank for slow vaginas!

  6. I want to leave a comment but I seriously don't even know what to say…

  7. Anonymous says:

    this is the most hilarious post I have read in a long time!! the weirdest I've had thusfar is "is it ok to bring my kids to bed with me."

    I say yes but make sure the hubby is wearing clothes.

  8. Are there really $42 an hour jobs out there that don't require workers to be able to work a calculator?  That's a fair  amount of cash – almost $90k gross, full time – yet no knowledge of basic mathematics is required?  

    Sign me up!

    • You're asking me? Because in my (very unique) case, a calculator and 10 executive staff at my company can't seem to figure it out! I have a feeling the person was looking for a paycheck calculator but didn't have the right level of google fu.

    • As a music teacher I make between 30 and 50 an hour depending on location. No knowledge of basic mathematics required at all. Well, okay, you have to be able to count to four, but that's it!

  9. Very, very intriguing.  

  10. oh this is too good. You definitely caught my eye with that title. and let me know when you figure out why vaginas are so slow!

  11. Hahahahahaha!!! I remember when you got that search term. I never doubted you'd turn it into something this funny. 

    But my favorite is the Olive Garden Worker Spoon In Butt. #1, what the hell is going on in that kitchen and #2, I have never been so confident in my decision not to eat at the Olive Garden as I am now.

    You entertain me. 

  12. This post is nothing but awesome…thanks for providing some much-needed laughter!!

  13. AHHAHAHAHA. I always enjoy these posts!

  14. Anonymous says:

    That is without a doubt the funniest thing I have read in a long time.  Ohmygeesh I would love to know how that search ended up at your site! 

  15. Well, you are now on the top spot in Google for "why is my vagina so slow".  Don't ask me how they would have found you prior to this, but now you are likely to see boat loads of traffic.

  16. OMG, I hollared!  Good thing I waited until I got home from work to read this, otherwise my co-workers would have questioned my sanity.  Hell, they probably do that anyway. 

    • Don't feel bad! I have long been the object of many raised eyebrow glances in the workplace. I may have to hire someone to come to my house and look at me funny, just so I remember I'm supposed to be working. :)

  17. One recurring search term that has been bothering me lately is "pimsleur debtsucksblog." It bothers me because I don't remember if I ever mentioned how (il)legitimately I acquired Pimsleur, and makes me wonder if they're on to me…

  18. Dean Burke says:

    As a gynecologist, there are no slow vaginas, there are a few slow vagina owners, but probably less than the number of slow penis owners. IMHO….It is true that no two are alike, but that is for another post, I'm sure…

    • 444express says:

      Dr. Burke,
      You have ruined my day.  I prefer to believe they are all alike.  Or at least that when I visit my Dr., he is pleased to see me because mine is the best.

      Ha ha… LOL… Hmm… has this joke run its course yet?
      (rolling eyes icon here) :)

  19. I'm sorry your parents were such cheapskates. :) Unfortunately, the FDA has come down hard on fast vaginas in recent years, so you really have to take up medical tourism if you're looking to get one. I hear there are some good options in India, but the most state of the art fast vaginas come from Germany. Variable speed is an option, but it'll cost you. Also, while a variable speed vaginas are really effective, they're marketed more at early adopters. The switches aren't well concealed, and they consume a lot of energy, among other small complaints. Once the technology catches on, quality should improve, and prices should come down.

  20. WOMAN! I'm supposed to be studying, how can I study when you post hilarious stuff like this. I'm giggling like an idiot and the other students are looking at me funny :/

Join the Discussion!

*