Getting out of debt really isn’t very exciting. Don’t get me wrong – sometimes I squeal a little when I make an extra payment, and I threw a virtual party when I paid off all my credit cards – but I’ve noticed that the process is largely full of dull milestones over years of hard work.
Last night I started thinking, What if there was a way to speed this process along? Not debt consolidation loans or playing the balance transfer game, but a tried-and-true method to pay off debt faster?
Then it hit me. All I need to do is gain super powers. Then the rest of my debt will be gone in no time! Here are just a few examples I thought of that would eliminate debt faster than a speeding bullet.
How to get it: Superman gained his powers, including x-ray vision, when he came to Earth as a baby. Krypton orbited a red star, and apparently our sun being a yellow star made his powers come to life. So all you have to do is find a planet that orbits a red star and you should be good to go! I’m sure it works in reverse.
How to harness it to get out of debt: With x-ray vision, you can see your bills without actually opening them, or view your bank balance while driving to work. You can also spy on your creditors, gaining blackmail material you could use to get them to forgive your debts. The possibilities are endless!
Or you could just try this: When bills come in the mail, look at them no matter how much they may scare or upset you. Then talk to the creditor to figure out a plan for paying off the balance as soon as possible. Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away, unfortunately.
How to get it: The Flash was splashed with chemicals when a shelf of them was struck by lightning, after which he possessed super speed. All you have to do is get a shelf (preferably metal) full of random chemicals, put it in your backyard, and stand next to it in a thunderstorm.
How to harness it to get out of debt: The uses for super speed should be obvious. You can make a bank deposit before an overdraft fee hits. You can grab a check you wrote right before someone cashes it, preventing it from bouncing. Most importantly, you can work multiple jobs to earn more money without the extra hours!
Or you could just try this: A second job, while not practical for everyone, could definitely speed up your debt payoff. And if you have problems with overdraft fees or bounced checks, take some time to balance your checkbook and keep up with your spending. If you can’t make time slow down, the least you can do is use it wisely.
How to get it: Like the other members of the Fantastic Four, The Invisible Woman gained her powers after exposure to a cosmic storm. That could mean anything from a solar flare to contact with a nebula. So just hop in your rocket ship and look for activity in outer space – it shouldn’t take long to find something useful.
How to harness it to get out of debt: If I could become invisible, I’m not sure I would have ever gotten into debt! How many people could resist the power to walk into any store, get what you want, and walk out undetected? To get rid of existing debt, though, you could turn invisible and break into your creditors’ computer systems to erase any record of you and your debt. This also works for credit reports.
Or you could just try this: The best way to get out of trouble with creditors is to maintain a low profile. In other words, you want to seem invisible to them even if you really aren’t. Make your payments on time and for the correct amount. Automate payments through your bank if possible. And if you can’t pay for some reason, contact them promptly, make arrangements, then fade back into the shadows.
How to get it: While Mystique is actually a villain and not one of the X-Men, her shape shifting powers are amazing. She can take on the form of any other human, using their appearance to get what she wants. Unfortunately, gaining these powers requires being born with the X-gene, though you could probably buy it on the black market and inject yourself.
How to harness it to get out of debt: Just appear in front of your creditors as President Obama and order them to erase your debts. Or turn into the president of your bank and demand access to the vault. As a last resort, you can just change your name and turn into someone else permanently, escaping the pile of bills waiting for you at home.
Or you could just try this: Imitating other people is generally what gets us into debt in the first place. We buy all kinds of things we can’t afford, then freak out when it’s time to pay. Find someone in your life who is financially responsible and try to be more like them instead of the people who are also drowning in debt.
I Don’t Have Super Powers. How Can I Get Out of Debt Fast?
As you can see, there is no easy way to gain super powers; otherwise we’d all have them. Just like there is no quick way to get out of debt.
I wish I could tell you the secret formula for getting rid of poor financial habits, but there really isn’t one, no matter how many gurus try to sell you products that claim to erase past mistakes. Getting into debt can seem to happen overnight, but getting out takes months or years of dedication.
You don’t have to be a super hero to get out debt. (Though if putting on a cape or mask helps you stay motivated, I say go for it!) You just need to figure out a goal and what steps you’ll take – super or not – to reach it.