In over two years of blogging on this site, I’ve never gone more than a few days without writing a post until now. It’s been nearly two weeks since I wrote anything at all, unless you count the mountain of scribbled Post-its taking over my desk. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say; I’ve just been too exhausted to say it.
I’m one of those people who is typically never late, never fails to follow through on a promise or commitment, never says “no” without a darn good reason. But lately it’s been harder and harder to remember a time when I was able to be that person on a consistent basis.
I can’t even begin to describe the personal drama that has swirled around me since 2013 began. Family members moving in and out of my house for various reasons. A string of disasters that have involved lots of time, money, or both. Having to refer out some of my clients because I’m so far behind I feel like I’ll never catch up. Some things I’ve been struggling with since last fall but can’t talk about publicly. Worst of all, many of my closest friends and relatives don’t have a clue what’s going on with me because they’re all dealing with their own stuff and I choose not to burden them with any of mine.
On the surface, things are going well. My business is surviving (knock on wood), my son is having a fantastic year at school, and I’m not homeless or starving. I tell myself, It could be so much worse. And that’s true, though it doesn’t always feel like it. I’ve survived far worse and I know I’ll survive all this stuff.
That said, I’m tired. I couldn’t tell you the last time I slept more than 2-3 hours at a stretch. And it infuriates me when someone says, “Just take a break!” or “Get some rest!” or “Hire someone to help you!” because none of those suggestions would change the fact that I’m drowning in a pool of bullshit in my personal life. Work is the one thing that keeps me somewhat sane right now and I usually welcome the escape.
Some days, though, I feel like setting an auto reply for all my emails that says I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN. PLEASE STOP REQUESTING AND/OR EXPECTING THINGS FROM ME AND LET ME CATCH MY BREATH.
When there are days (or weeks, apparently) that I don’t post or tweet or put up funny pictures on Facebook, just know that’s what I’m trying to do. Catch my breath. If I can ever accomplish that again, I’ll be good to go.