I’ve mentioned this briefly before, but ever since I became self-employed, things just seem to fall into place in a way that’s almost creepy. Just when I’m freaking out about money, an invoice gets paid early or I have a good month for blog income. When I look at my schedule and panic because I’m running out of work, more quote requests come in and I find myself booked 6-8 weeks ahead.
No matter what challenges I face with my business (and this is true in other areas of my life as well), something always happens and it works out okay. Not perfect, but okay. I can’t tell you how many times I have been absolutely terrified and lying in my bed awake at night, only to watch it all resolve itself shortly after. Some people would say it’s a sign from God. Others call it good karma. Still others call it luck. Personally, I don’t know what to call it because this is the first time in my life I’ve been able to recognize it. I just know I hope it doesn’t go away!
Here’s why I have a hard time with this. So things in my life have gone okay. I see that and I’m grateful for it. But what about when it doesn’t work that way for other people? Does that mean that I’m somehow more deserving, or that they’re less deserving? So many people I know are dealing with horrible things in their lives, and while I guess things could always be worse, they aren’t getting the same kind of respite I’ve been fortunate enough to receive.
Also, let’s say this is a sign from God (or karma or whatever) and I’m supposed to interpret it, as a friend told me, as a sign that I’m meant to be doing what I’m doing. So what does that mean when things don’t work out? Does that mean I’m making a horrible mistake? Does that make the happy endings mere coincidence? Or has the “save the day” moment just not happened yet?
I’m Confused. How About You?
In my mind, if I accept that the good things in my life are a reward for whatever I’m doing right, I must also accept that the negatives are a punishment for the things I do wrong. But is it really that black and white?
If my income is zero next month and my business fails, leaving me to apply for “real” jobs (because that worked out SO well before), that would be devastating to me. I would get upset and pissed off and feel that my streak of fate/luck/karma/blessings has come to an end. But in the future, I might look back and say, “You know, that was for the best,” like I have with so many other things in my life.
I don’t know. I’ve always been kind of Eeyore – I’m not typically a “lucky” person and I get involved in some of the weirdest situations you can imagine. I’ve done a lot of stupid things and suffered the consequences of those mistakes. As a result, I’m always scared to be optimistic because I might curse myself. (This runs in my family because we ALL tend to have the same kind of luck.)
So many people lose faith or hope when things go wrong. We aren’t always able to see the bigger picture or understand why certain things happen the way they do. And I never want to be one of those people, so it’s hard for me to accept the good in my life as anything but a cool thing that may not ever happen again. That way I’m not upset if the streak I’m on comes to an abrupt or depressing end.
But in the meantime, I’d just like to express how glad I am that 2012 has been such a great year for me so far. *knocks on wood*
What do you think? Do you believe in signs? Any examples of obvious good fortune (or bad) in your life that influenced the way you think about this topic?