I really try to shut my mouth when it comes to other people’s blogs. While I make judgments all the time, about everything from a blog’s theme to the font, I’ve decided it’s usually better to keep those opinions to myself. After all, I’m sure many of you have your own thoughts when you read mine. Like, Why don’t you write about finance for a change? But I’ve learned that there are some things in life that simply MUST be said, even if people don’t applaud afterward.
Some of you have sucktastic blogs. There I said it.
That in itself isn’t a huge deal for me. Just like I will never win a bake-off, a beauty pageant, or a contest for cleanest house, some people just aren’t great writers. That doesn’t mean they don’t have ideas worth reading and discussing. I can forgive a lot of cringeworthy stuff if I still get something worthwhile out of a blogger’s posts.
But when someone seems to be doing everything they can to scare off potential readers, I have to wonder why they even blog in the first place. Do they not write in hopes that someone will read and find value in it? Do they high five themselves after another week of little to no traffic?
Maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I’m a weirdo, and everyone else starts blogging so that NO ONE will ever read what they have to say. And if that’s the case, I’ll give you 10 ways to make sure you never gain a single reader, other than maybe your mom. Or the crazy stalker that’s trying to hunt you down and steal locks of your hair to make a voodoo doll.
How to Make Sure No One Reads Your Blog
1. Make lots of grammar and spelling errors.
It’s one thing to publish a post with a typo or two – we all do it from time to time. But if you want to run off readers, you’ve got to step up your game.
- If a word is plural, add a random apostrophe – finance’s looks way more annoying than finances.
- End a sentence right in the middle, leaving readers wondering what you were going to
- Don’t use spell check. EVER. Also consider typing with your eyes shut.
- Capitalize Every Word In Every Sentence. People REALLY Hate That One!
- Use words that aren’t really words, like irregardless or irrespective. Bonus points if you can make up your own.
- Use the wrong words whenever possible, like “I bid them ado,” or “for all intensive purposes.”
- Separate compound words, like into and checkbook.
- Never ever read through your post before you publish, lest you feel tempted to correct any glaring mistakes.
2. Don’t offer any ways to subscribe or comment.
Who needs RSS or email subscriptions? That woud just keep people reading when you just want them to go away. If people have to remember your URL and type it in manually, they’re sure to forget all about you after a few minutes. It also helps if your site title is different from your URL, or if your URL contains six or more long words – then they’ll never remember. Bwahahahaha!
As for commenting, it’s best to disable comments completely. Or if you’re feeling particularly cruel, use a comment system that requires 147 steps and multiple captcha codes. In the tiniest possible font so no one can see it.
3. Make sure no one can figure out how to contact you.
This should be a no-brainer. Don’t dare have a Contact page on your blog – people might email you with questions or comments. Which could lead to them returning to your site! And if you do have a Contact page, don’t include an email address, because some people may use it instead of the complicated form that sends messages straight to your spam folder. What I’m saying is that you must make it as difficult as you can, if not impossible, for anyone to get in touch with you for any reason.
4. Don’t comment on or link to other blogs.
If you comment on other blogs, people might see your avatar and/or site name and click through to your blog. Oh hell no! We can’t have that. Plus, commenting would imply that you read other blogs in your niche, possibly leading other bloggers to visit as well. Avoid this at all costs, or suffer the consequences of higher traffic.
As far as links go, don’t use them at all. If you link to your own content, people may click through to another post, thus staying longer. And if you link to someone else, they may see the trackback and link to you in return. As a compromise, if you really feel compelled to include a link, make sure it’s to a huge, big name blog. That way there is no chance the blogger will have time to look at your stuff and link back to you.
5. Write boring crap that no one cares about.
When writing blog posts, you need to bore the daylights out of everyone so they never come back. Consult a few textbooks from the early 1900s for the best examples of sleep-inducing language and phrasing. Make sure all your posts contain huge blocks of text – a single paragraph is best – with no bolding, italics, or headings allowed. And DON’T use pictures.
As far as topics go, it’s best if you choose something that (A) no one wants to read about or (B) is so highly technical or jargon-filled that no one can understand it. It’s also a good idea to post the same crap that every other blog in your niche has already covered a million times. Don’t use humor or disclose anything about yourself, because that could make people feel connected to you.
6. Avoid social media like the plague.
Sites like Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, and LinkedIn are for people who want someone to read what they write. And since that’s not you, don’t fall victim to the clever marketing techniques of those (and other) social sites. If you gain followers, they’ll just read your posts or talk to you. Then your whole plan is ruined.
If you’ve already fallen into the social media trap, be sure you don’t interact with anyone. Just auto-post links to your latest blog entries, preferably 10 or 15 at a time. Then repost every 30 minutes. Once you’ve done that, any followers you had will unsubscribe immediately.
7. Treat your blog like a diary.
Lots of bloggers post details about their day-to-day lives. But there’s a fine line between posting something with a point, where readers could apply your thoughts to their own lives, and posting inane drivel. For best results, post every single detail of your day:
First I woke up and realized I really needed to pee. As I walked to the bathroom, I noticed a pain in my little toe. I peed for 37 seconds, wiped the excess off the toilet seat, and failed to wash my hands before putting in my left contact. Urine really burns your eyes if you’re not careful. Anyway, I went to the kitchen to decide what to make for breakfast….
8. Ignore your audience.
Don’t ever look at your blog stats to figure out who’s reading your site. If you do, you might be tempted to think about what that group of people want to read about. And once you start gearing your posts to a particular demographic, they’re bound to see the relevance and keep reading. Best to change it up a little – if your site is frequented by men in their 50s, be sure to write about the best handbags. Better yet, write something you know will offend or confuse them. If they ever find something worth reading, they may come back. Nip this in the bud as soon as you can.
9. Post infrequently.
Nothing chases away readers like a blog that shows the same post for weeks and weeks. The best antisocial blogs are only updated a few times a year! It’s also a good idea to just stop posting altogether for awhile, without letting anyone know you’re going to be gone. The real pros let their domains expire so spammers can take over.
One more thing – when returning from a long absence, be sure to apologize profusely for your time away and promise to post more in the future. Then disappear again. That’s a tip you won’t find anywhere else, but it’s guaranteed to work. No one will stick around for that for very long.
10. Make your site so ugly or full of ads that no one can navigate it.
There are many ways to render a blog unreadable. You choose use colored text on a dark background, for example. Or include lots of moving, flashing graphics. Or make your theme wider than normal so the person has to scroll from side to side. My personal favorites, though, are the blogs that have so many ad blocks you can’t even find the posts. If you can induce seizures or hide your content altogether, you know you’re fending off readers with the best of them.
Oh, I almost forgot – use a theme that loads REALLY slowly. Use at least 40 plugins at once, especially multiple plugins that all do the same thing. And don’t use any caching plugins. Huge images, huge header, huge font. You know what I’m talking about.
The Bottom Line
Any of these tips will go a long way toward keeping people from reading your blog. However, if you can manage to achieve all 10 of them at the same time, you might even run off your own mother.
It’s a lot of work to operate a blog with no readership. In fact, reading over this list, I’m guessing that some of you work harder to keep people away than I work to get them to come in!
If you need personalized help making your blog unreadable, please let me know and I’ll do my best to point you to some relevant examples. I didn’t want to mention them here for fear of driving traffic to the sites who have worked so hard to drive people away. With some elbow grease and a serious desire to remain alone forever, you CAN achieve your goal of blogging isolation!